what i need

when i was in college and better at keeping a frequent journal, i used to submit entire entries wherein i listed praises to God. usually i did this when i was discouraged and trying to regain focus on all the reasons i have to be thankful.

this post is the opposite. right now i am going to list all the practical things i need. there are many of them. if i had these "things", i think i would feel "better" about my life.

-money. we need money. we are always burdened by money, especially since i stopped bringing home money and we purchased a "new house" in need of a desperate overall for an insane amount of money. (oh yeah, and we had another kid).

-sleep. i am always tired. curtis is always tired. each day we struggle to get out of bed from physical fatigue.

-exercise. i have no stress outlet. i am couped up in my house with two adorable babies that require a ton of patience and stamina. i just want to MOVE my ass.

-friends. i went from receiving 50 e-mails a day, to maybe receiving 5, from getting 5 phone calls during the day to often receiving none. when you have a new baby people give you "space." plus, you have no time to give. so your friendships suffer and you wake up one day wishing you had something to offer to a friend, wondering how "so and so" are and longing to be a part of their journey. got to start initiating.

-couple time. i miss curtis. i miss alone time with him. we have at best two hours a night without kids and during that time we have so many things to do and often have so little left to give. sucks.

i bet there is a whole world of folks wanting these same things . . .

family and fever

i'm so grateful for my family. for my husband and my adorable kids. (and extended fam too, of course). i broke out with a horrible fever yesterday and Curtis came to the rescue and watched the nuggets while i lay in bed, aching. in the middle of the night, i passed out on our bathroom floor, and someone was there to catch me, to soothe me, to help me back into bed and pray over me.

i thought maybe the fever was God's way of giving me rest, but i'm thinking now it was Satan's way of discouraging me (and Curtis) when we are already tired and sinking. isn't it odd how Satan's misgivings and God's blessings can seem so alike in appearance? slowly the truth is revealed and you recognize "this cannot be of God".

My hunt for rest

my search for rest continues now more than ever since i have a 3 month old waking up at least once a night and a 22 month old vying for attention. it's been quite some time that i've been tired-- both physically and spiritually. it takes me almost 30 minutes to fall asleep each night, usually after i play silly mind games with myself, trying to shut off the world. is this what it means to be "grown up?"

months ago i prayed and God told me (quite literally, I mean) that i was "being a Martha." it was the only time in my life till that point that i have clearly heard God speak. how can i say it was God? well, it was a voice in my head that i did not recognize as my own, that came when i was being truly humble and when i was listening by letting go.

and so i've been on a quest to "be a Mary.' to find rest. to just "be." what does this look like in a world of getting ahead, of competition and aggression? i am torn, because my Creator made me with a personality that is constantly "doing" instead of "being". yet i am trying to implement what God spoke into my life, till hopefully i've cultivated a listening heart that is content to sit, that doesn't feel guilty when i've done nothing with my day, that has no expectations of myself (or my friends) but focuses instead on the presence of Jesus each day. is he not just as available to me today as he was that day with Martha and Mary? Can I not sit at his feet just as Mary did and hang out with the living God? I long to find rest with him.

incidentally, i have to say off topic, that as an english major and editor, it is really hard for me to have a blog and not be extremely critical of myself, what i write, the grammar i use, my sentence structure. i intend not to try too hard at this blogging business, and if it ever becomes gross and too polished and sharpened and not raw, i will give it up. so, don't expect a lot, okay? i am here to chew, only.