I posted a while back about my blog and not knowing what to do with it. You may (or may not) have read. So, I'm just going to say, there have been some things happening in my heart lately that I have felt unbloggable. Sometimes just mullings, sometimes angst, sometimes injury, sometimes confusion, sometimes pain, sometimes just ... BLURRRR.
In the midst of these things I'm moving ... gosh, isn't it a grand thing about motherhood that the duties and responsibilities call us OUT OF BED and force us to get over ourselves and give to others??
I could pity party. I could sink inward. I could shrink in fear, but then there are these little short people in my life that ask me questions, that give me reminders, that require of me to meet their everyday needs and hurts, and most importantly, my conscience--they watch everything I do. They see ALL my failings and they come back to me, lovingly, and even, try to encourage, and they engage, and things are so simple in their little eyes.
I am the one that complicates things. I am the one that internalizes. I am the one that fears. I am the one that maximizes (and minimizes). They are so much more pure and innocent, and I love that.
I love the window of perspective my children provide. Even though these nuggets are my joy AND my responsbility, they are also my heart. I feel when they feel. And I could lay in bed and shut down, just because I want to, but they will see, and what am I teaching them? And I could rise up in anger, but they will also see, and then what are they learning as they watch me? I could make it about me, and place this burden on them, but what would that say to them?, so I don't ... such a call to 'rise above' when you know your three little ones are watching and learning, and knowing that what I say and do and how I respond matters!!!
My friend and I were talking nearly a year ago about motherhood and how it has shaped us. And I told her how grateful I was to my children--because THEY have helped me be a better me. They've brought me to my knees in prayer, repentance, fear, sorrow, and certainly an UNSPEAKABLE joy!! I feel so HAPPY seeing them grow and develop and flourish. In the midst of all the things I keep hidden in my heart, they unconditionally love me and pursue me. So even though my heart is stirring and chewing and wrestling, I'm SO glad I feel safe in my home. ANd my nuggets turn me to simpler things...to perspective and love and acceptance, and by teaching and training them, I am continually forced to major in the majors, and God continually asks me to lay myself down for others, specifically for an (almost) 6, 4, and 1 year old--little ones that He has entrusted to me. I'm so glad I have a husband and children who embrace me. And I'm so glad God uses my children to refine me. I am glad to be a mommy. SO glad.