Overcoming Shame: It's Never Too Late to Turn Back

I lay in bed the other night feeling anxious.  So burdened, actually, that I was having trouble breathing. 

I kept recounting over and over the ways I fell short during the day.  You've been there, right? 

I used harsh words with one child, and I said something to a colleague I regretted, and I was meanly impatient with a different child, and I never made it to the grocery store, and I never emailed her back, and I felt defensive when she said what she did, and I was jealous of this person, and I said something for my gain, and on and on it goes. 

I was being irrationally hard on myself.  And even though I had asked and been forgiven of these things already, I couldn't shake them.  I was stuck in the shame spiral.   

When We Turn Away (And Turn Back)
Examine the life of Peter and we find someone who knew the terrible pangs of shame.  He's someone whose flesh failed him in the darkest, most crucial hour. 

If it happens to Peter, it happens to all of us. 

Peter's just shared supper with his closest friends when Jesus turns to him and says, "Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.  {gulp}  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." 

Peter's response is to defend himself.  He insists, "I am ready to go with you to prison and to death!"  In every day words, Peter's saying, "Bring it!  I am ready.  I am prepared."

Life's Threshing
Have you ever seen a wheat threshing?  Surely Peter had!  The process goes somewhat like this: lay all the wheat on a stone or concrete floor and beat it.  Beat it to death with a flail.  Or the alternative, have a donkey trample on it. 

Then after threshing is winnowing.  This involves tossing what remains into the wind.  The lighter, hollow shaft blows away, while the heavier grain falls to the ground in its purest form. 

Jesus is telling Peter, in essance, Satan has asked to beat you to death, to let you be trampled.  He is going to attempt to bring you to spiritual ruin.  After you've been whacked to the barest of bones, all of your hollowness, all your non-essentials, will blow away.  I've prayed for you, that this process will not kill your faith.  WHEN you turn back, strengthen your brothers.

{{double gulp}}

WHEN you turn back means you WILL first turn away.

And Peter does turn away.  As soon as he denies Jesus for the third and final time: 'The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter.'  The eye contact is too much to bear.  Shame seeps into his bloodstream.  He runs away, 'weeping bitterly.' 

I try to imagine the depth of shame, the degree of remorse, the pain of the threshing.  What humiliation Peter must have felt.  How long did he stay away?  Did he drown himself in wine?  Did he hide in his house?  Did he think, my god, I am so weak?

Shame is why Peter fled a sobbing mess.  It's why Adam and Eve hid in the garden.  For you and me, it's the voice that makes us avoid a friend, give up, medicate, and dwell daily in lies about who we are and our unworthiness. 

Shame tells us we don't belong in the Church, our faith isn't real, we're inadaquate, and we've fallen too far to turn back.  It keeps us focused on ourselves instead of the One who forgives.  It is the great weapon of the Enemy meant to nullify the work of the Cross. 

Thankfully, Peter did not let the threshing murder his faith.  He chose to turn back.  And on him the Church was built.   

You can also choose to turn back.  It is never too late and you are never too far.  And when you return, just as Peter, He will build something majestic.

For more reading about this subject, I highly recommend this beautiful post by Justin Davis: The Difference Between Conviction and Shame.   

I also loved this sermon by John Piper: The Sifting of Simon Peter.