And I see protecting her modesty as important as buckling her seat belt.
Even though she weighs 44 lbs and stands 43 inches tall, her little body is outgrowing it's preschool form. She's lost 3 front teeth. Her legs are lengthening. Her fingernails are stronger and her face is elongating.
My womanhood will influence her more than any other woman. It is my responsibility to model to her how we dress, how we act, and to teach her that a woman's body is beautiful and glorifies God.
Much of modesty talks of dressing in a way that does not cause a man to lust, and I do agree that teenagers and women need to be very careful in this regard. Not only is it a sin, but you attract what you put out. However, I grew up believing that most men were (good) lustful creatures who might pounce on you if they saw you in a swim suit. I learned that women can have power over men simply by smiling and wearing a v-neck. I thought my body, 'a temple of the Holy Spirit,' was a bit like the arc of the covenant--it held the glory of God in it, and I better respect that, or else someone who touched me might get struck down. (You'd think then, that this would have held more weight than it did, but I was still a flirty girl.)
Knowing my body could be a thing that could cause a man to sin was both empowering and shaming. If the Holy Spirit is in my body does that mean that my body is good or bad? If I'm covering it up is there something about my feminity that I should be ashamed of?
Truthfully, at 14 my perspective was something along the lines of: "I'm not dressing like Madonna, so stop worrying about it!" The most provocative thing in my wardrobe was my cheerleading uniform and my volleyball butt-huggers. I wore my first bikini when I was 21.
My mom, however, held the line. At least as it related to what I wore (and what she would buy). I've come to appreciate that she wanted to protect me from engaging my sexuality before I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready. I'm thankful for that, because I was a boy-crazy girl, and I probably would have crossed even more physical barriers than I did had she not guarded my heart for me.
When it comes to little girls though, shouldn't we set the bar even higher? Are some little girls these days dressing a little too sexual?
You've witnessed it, haven't you? You've been in the airport or the mall and you've walked by a 10 year old girl with PINK sewn on her bum. Or young girls wearing skimpy bikinis? Or a 3rd grader with the word 'Flirt' etched on her pink swoop-neck T?
I suspect most of you feel like I do. It concerns you too. Being that we each have our own 'lines' for modesty that we enforce, I thought I'd share with you mine. I'd be very curious to hear your opinions/thoughts and if you have a daughter, the standards in your home.
- I will not buy Peanut a two-piece swim suit. Why? Because I just don't want her to become comfortable at the age of seven showing her adorable tummy on a public beach. Because even though at her age she can still take a bath with her little brother and not notice or care about body parts, I see going out to the beach or to a friend's swimming pool, as different. You might be thinking, "Sheesh Karen, she's only seven!" and my response is "That's right, she's only seven!" Why do we need to be buying itsy bitsy bikinis for our 1st graders?
- I will not buy her a bra or underwear that is pretty, sexy, or silky. I was shocked to learn from a neighbor last year that some young girls in her daughter's class were wearing bras in the 1st grade! They had no breasts, and yet it was the peer pressure of not wanting to be the 'only one' without a bra that led some moms to give weigh and purchase an undergarmet 3 or 4 years prematurely. I recall as a 7th grader wishing I had pretty underwear and bras. I'd be changing for P.E. and many of my friends had cute matching royal blue or cherry red satin bra and panty sets. I looked like a 2nd grader in my cottons, but is that so bad? Should we be buying our daughters pretty panties before they are even yet a 'woman' (menstration)?
- I will not buy her a skimpy shirt (mid-drift or off the shoulder), nor will I buy her short shorts, or shorts with "PINK" on the bum, or low rise pants. There's no reason to pay hard-earned money for shorts that intentionally draw attention to the bubbly bottom of a 10 year-old girl. It's distasteful, and it won't/doesn't enourage a healthy sexuality. What it encourages is getting boys to look at your ass (and I use that word to make a point), to look at you like an object not a person created in the image of God. My mother had a rule of the seam of our shorts being finger-length long, which I greatly despised. But she did it for my own good, to protect me from what I did not know was out there, and to guard the minds of any young boys who might have looked, and to guard my own heart from feeling sexy before I even knew what sex was for.
- No makeup yet. Except for dress up. This seems like a no-brainer. She's not a grown up, and I don't need her to feel like a grown up. She's a child, not a mini-adult.
- High heels? No way. How will she run and play in high heels? High heels are for dress up, for dreaming of when she's older, for anticipating the woman that she will one day be. For today, she can wear sundresses and jelly shoes.
- Clothes that say "sexy" or "hot" or "hottie" or "your hottie" or "sexy and I know it." Clothes that have pictures of girls on them--girls that look trashy or scantily clad. Clothes that make her look 10 years older than she is. As I see it, it's my job to help navigate, train, and provide boundaries for Peanut. I'm the one who orients this by what I buy (and don't buy) for her. Since I don't want her labeled as hot, sexy, or flirty, she's not wearing clothes with those descriptions.
These are my boundaries for now, while she's seven, and probably for the next several years. And when the time comes I'll talk with her about sex, her beautiful body that He created and said was "good," and how she should carry herself so that she honors God with her mind, body, and spirit.
What do you think should be the boundaries for young girls in how they dress? At what age do you think one should give her daughter ownership of those boundaries? Do you have any additional thoughts regarding modesty, dress, and the sexualizing of young girls?
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Some additional reading:
CNN Opinion Blog: Parents, Don't Dress Your Girls Like Tramps
Wall Street Journal Online: Why Do We Let Girls Dress Like That?
A VERY interesting study by the APA Task Force on "The Sexualization of Girls"
From CT: Why The Bodily Ressurrection Matters, Especially to Women, Modesty, A Female-Only Virtue?
16 comments:
Karen, another Karen here... just wanted to offer a little perspective. My husband and I both grew up in conservative Christian families and churches (and schools). I was trained to give the utmost attention to my dress - no shorts above the knee, no tank tops, nothing remotely tight. My christian camp required "neck-to-knee" for girls. My Christian college (and my husband's) had almost absurd requirements for girls - no pants, no sleeveless, 2 inches of ease, etc. And! I have never pushed back against these rules. I have always tried to dress in a pretty/tasteful but non-provocative way. I agreed with the substance of them and was never a rebel. My parents could attest to this. And yet, very early on in our marriage, I sensed something was "off" in my relationship and confronted my husband, who admitted to voluntarily seeking out porn online. My point in saying this is - the real problem is their hearts. Christian women should dress modestly because of Christ and who we are in Him. That should be our motivation. Let's be realistic and understand that our husbands and sons will be forced to deal with lust regardless of how we dress. In fact no matter what we wear, the internet and easy immodesty will be there for them to choose. It is the evil of their own hearts they must confront and deal with on a moment-by-moment basis. To put any pressure on us to prevent them from sinning is unfair. It is not my fault my husband sinned, neither is it the fault of the women in our churches and schools. He chose out of the evil desires of his heart to seek what will always be available - the bodies of non-christian women who have very little concern for Christian traits such as modesty - and they will always be available for men. Nothing we do can change that. Let's not put burdens too heavy to bear on women by suggesting we can keep men from stumbling in this way. It's utterly impossible, and what's more, not even hinted at in scripture. Let's concentrate on dressing to please our Savior, not to influence our husbands - as soon as they leave our homes they forget about us and have to deal with the women at work etc. And let's be very careful to point our daughters to Christ for their value. Christ is the only hope I have and the reason for everything I do. I cannot prevent my husband from sinning with lustful thoughts or adultery. I can never measure up to the beauty and availability of the women he will see online and at work. The real problem is in men's hearts. Don't place burdens on women by making them think they are responsible for this.
Grace and peace in Christ our savior!
Hi Karen, love your vulnerability in your comment! I agree that (some) women cannot be held responsible for our bodies causing a man "to stumble" and that our motivation for how we dress should not have anything to do with men but that everything we do should be about pleasing Christ and using our bodies to bring him glory. You hit the nail on the head that we each, men and women, seek to honor God with our hearts, minds, souls, and strengths. (WOW, about your college dress code!) I don't feel this post placed burdens on women by making them think they are responsible for a man's stumbling, and if that's what you read I'm glad I was able to clarify here. (I touched on the misperceptions I was taught as a teenager in church that basically my body was a temptation to men "out there" (which made me wonder if my body was bad and also baited me with thinking it was something I could use (if I chose) to have power over a man)). (There was an excellent post at CT yesterday addressing why the bodily ressurrection is important, especially to women, that I highly recommend.) My point of the post was protecting the innocence of young girls and not sexualizing them before their time. In the lens of my daughter who is still young, this is largely driven by dress (right now). Peanut has never asked to buy or wear any of those clothes, but if she did, my answer would not be "because we don't want a schoolboy to stumble looking at you." We would talk about the beauty of her body, about its value as being created by the Living God, about the reasons why she wants to wear what she wants to wear, and about honoring God with our hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits. So I'm not saying I would never let her wear these things, or that she would need to be 'covered' so as not to be a temptation. Also, addressing your last comment: "The real problem is in men's hearts." I might argue too that the problem can be in the girl's heart, if she wants to use her body to get attention from men--the motivations behind the woman are equally important. Thank you for commenting!
Karen, i love your thoughts. I don't have girls but I speak to preteen girls a lot and I agree with you fully. These young gals need their mommas to be setting some form of value in them (and their daddies!) My dad was very good at telling me what I could not wear, but also WHY. He never made me feel ashamed of my body. Modesty goes beyond what is appropriate and what's not. Its a deep rooted value.
What we wear represents to the world what we value.
I very much agree with both Karens :)
First--yes...the problem is their hearts. Praying God's grace and intervention into the lives of our girls (and boys). Pleading with Him for true transformation.
And--willing to take a stand and draw boundaries for our girls (and boys)as far as what kind of message they are sending in the way they dress. Not in a legalistic sort of way, but just in some of the basics that you mentioned above Karen.
I taught high school for several years and day after day, I would wonder where the dads and moms were when their girls (and boys) were walking out the door to school.
On the whole, we're pretty relaxed and not at all impressed by outward signs, or what is actually superficial (we DO NOT want white-washed-tombs)...but, I also don't plan to buy our boys shirts that say "Pimp" across the front of them.
And after walking closely with a dear friend through the heartache of a husband addicted to pornography and with statistics showing that 80% of men struggle/dabbble in it...
For me it starts to fall under the love-one-another-concept...be willing to lay down your life-and-rights-and-string-bikinis for the sake of another.
For my friend...her heart breaks each time she enters a room where too much is showing. It causes her to ache with that pain that she's tried so hard to forget and forgive.
I'm not willing to lay out specific guidelines for others....but I do SO appreciate this post because I think we need to hear over and over this call to modesty and also to keep a soft heart when it comes to the Holy Spirit's conviction.
Love this...Karen(s) :)
I agree - I find the current trend to sexualize little girls disturbing.
Karen, as the mom to four girls, I say AMEN. I did NOT grow up in a home that taught nor valued modesty and truly believed (this will sound terrible, but I am being shamefully honest) that modesty was for fat people, if you could show it you should show it. WRONG. I know that, I get that, but it can still be a struggle to CHOOSE MODESTY out of discipline and a desire for myself and my girls to please our Savior. I have to choose it b/c my daughters deserve it, they are children of the KING and nothing less--and the more I share with them the WHY of dressing in a gracious, respectful manner, the more they WANT to do it to honor their Jesus. I don't want them to have to re-learn the concept of modesty as an adult the way I had to--it took a LONG time for me to really desire modesty rather than just do it out of obedience. And while it is men's responsibility to be honoring with their sexual desires and is NOT the fault of a woman who acts with purity if her husband strays, we are CLEARLY commanded in Scripture not to be a stumbling block-I would never offer an alcoholic a drink, even if it is their choice to say no. We must do our part to protect our men! Thanks for your willingness to say what needs to be said!
I have two girls, both very young still (ages 3 and almost 2). We will have (and have) strict standards for what they wear.
Now, I understand the whole argument that we can't blame the women for dressing trashy, but I think the important argument is that we must be held above reproach. Just as we expect men to take every measure in protecting and guarding their hearts, we must also expect women to do the same. A woman cannot be blamed for the lust of a man's heart, but she can most certainly be blamed for tempting him and not fleeing from sexual immorality, yes?
So, for our girls, we have the same rules as you. Also, they will not be permitted to date. There is just absolutely no need for it at the young, impressionable age of 12-17. I don't know why we insist on making our children "grow up" so fast with pretty panties and boyfriends who hold their hands. Why not take this time to fill their minds and hearts with truth? Let's take this small amount of time we have with them to enforce the truth that they are worthy, lovable, women of God who deserve men who adore them for that...not teenage boys who think their butts are cute in shorts.
As a mom of three teen sons and two little girls, I really appreciate you tackling this subject. I'm amazed also at the nasty sayings on both boys and girls shirts about siblings. "Will trade sister for video game" is one in my memory bank. Ick. Or how about one on a teen I saw recently .... it had a bar across the front with the word "attitude" in it and said "downloading". Really??? Lots of little girl clothes out there with "attitude" themes.
As for modesty, what have you done about toys that your daughter plays with? Does your family have a standard for that as well? I've been shocked with the girl toys out there. Many of the dolls are dressed like hookers, quite frankly, or dressed to go to a dance club.
For our family the other element that this falls into is what we allow our daughters to watch in movies or TV. That can be a big challenge today.
Appreciate your thoughts on this topic.
Can I just say there are some young men out there that really appreciate when girls/women don't walk around with their breasts falling out of their shirts? Sometimes it's not women being a stumbling block, but even moreso a great frustration for guys who truly want to walk with integrity.
Someone shared this post with me on FB, so this is my first time reading your blog. I love this post. I remember receiving several "sexy-type" outfits for my daughter at my BABY SHOWER. I called them "hootchie" clothes and I refused to even keep them. If they didn't come with receipts, they were sold (at a fraction of the cost, I'm sure) to a consignment shop, but I wasn't going to put my beautiful, pure, baby girl in an outfit that promoted sexuality!
I do buy my (now) 4-yr-old two piece bathing suits, but only of the tankini variety where she is covered. But for potty purposes, I just can't deal with the one-pieces!
I like the rules you outlined here. I am appalled that someone would put a 1st grader in a bra for any reason other than absolute necessity! I'm also amazed that said first grader would wear it (but then, I hated training bras so much that my mom had to force me into a real bra and not just a camisole when I was entering 9th grade and I actually needed it!) but I do remember the peer pressure to grow up too fast in elementary school.
Thanks for setting up your children to act modestly. I wish all parents would do the same.
I very much agree with the theory of letting our desire to please Christ drive what we wear....because if our relationship is in tact, we will automatically WANT to dress modestly. But I also think that specific rules (while some may think are burdensome and legalistic) need to be given to teen girls. At that age, most (and I know there are exceptions) don't have the close relationships with Christ that would be strong enough to affect their choice of clothes. So while we are trying to help them in their spiritual journey, they need SPECIFICS. Because today's cultural definition of "short" shorts, is not mine. And teens push the limits. So I will have specific rules...accompanied by the healthy spiritual conversations regarding what we wear.
Karen, I agree with your rules and think they're a great start. I have three boys and a 1 year old girl, so it's good to read a bit about modesty now. I also think this is one of the better posts on modesty I've read since so many of them seem legalistic and preachy.
Thanks for being so transparent!
Great post, Karen!
I grew up in an environment almost identical to yours. My wife and I go through a yearly trial looking for shorts that are long enough for our daughters. We go to 3 or 4 major department stores before we finally find something that is acceptable. We are just looking for something that goes beyond mid-thigh for goodness sakes! We were looking for shorts just today and I was shocked to see some of the underwear being sold for girls in the 7-8 size range! 7-8......
Anyway, It was good to hear from someone who is working through some of the same issues as we are and what they were doing to deal with them. Keep it up!
Yes! Thank you for this. Our daughter is only one, but we still are careful about what she wears. The rule is: If we wouldn't let her wear it as a teenager, she isn't going to wear it now! :)
Modesty (or the lack there of) is one of the BIGGEST reasons why we don't allow pretty much any Disney movie to be watched in our house... Tangled might be an exception. That's one way I can protect my girls from seeing immodesty and suggestive attitudes portrayed in a "positive" light. Tinker Bell probably being the worst of them all... oh I am so not a fan.
Hi Karen,
Great commentary.
Hope you and the family are well.
-Carrie Steele
I totally agree with you! I just was recommended an excellent book that you might want to read. It's called, "Six Ways to Keep the "Little" in Your Girl: Guiding Your Daughter from Her Tweens to Her Teens (Secret Keeper Girl)" by Dannah Gresh. I don't have girls, but I am reading her book for boys and it is EXCELLENT! I would highly recommend it to moms of boys, but I'm sure her book for girls is just as good! -Dawn
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