Who Were You Back Then?: When Moms Lose Their Identity

Here's something I don't want to happen. 

{Excuse the frankness, I'm tired and feeling brave.} 

I don't want to wake up in 15 or 20 years and look over at my husband and not know him.  To not recognize any semblance of the 'us' I adore today.

And I don't want to wake up in 15 or 20 years and look in the mirror and not know myself.  To have no recollection of who I am apart from my children or apart from my husband. 

I catch myself often finding my identity in being married to Bookguy or being a mother to my three children.  It concerns me. 

Can you relate?

Recently I attended STORY in Chicago (FANTASTIC time) and someone asked me: "What do you do all day?" 

I was taken aback, slightly, but it got me thinking about who I am and what I'm about, and even, if I have an elevator pitch for me--just me--apart from my roles, jobs, successes, and relatives--what would it be?  "What do you do all day?" is an obviously different question than "Who are you?" and yet I sometimes (often) marry them together as the same. 

I don't think I'm the only mother to do this. 

So much of who I am is now wrapped up in who my family is, and I take great pride in that.  (I hope and believe my husband would say the same about his roles as daddy and husband).  But men, (and I realize I'm stereotyping to a small degree), hold on to their identities (I think) a little better than women do. 

And this is what I resist.  This is (among many reasons) why I can't bring myself to blog only about mothering.  Why I can't bring myself to write about only adoption.  Why I don't discuss only marriage. Or, conversely, why I like to write about other topics too--on faith and culture and books and the Church.

I find myself wanting to shout to you, woman, mother who feels lost in the mundane, woman who feels security because she is mother and wife, YOU are MORE than your ROLE. 

What will you do if your role gets stripped out of your hands?

You are first and foremost a child of God, and you are (first and foremost) created by HIM for a unique purpose, including {but certainly not limited to} parenting your children or coming alongside your husband. 

Who you were back then?  What were you like when he first fell in love with you?  What were you like when you were single?  What were you like pre-kids? 

Me?  I played the piano.  Often.  Bookguy and I would go to LA and watch bands play in jam-packed clubs. We found our way to the symphony and would marvel at the orchestra pit.  We hosted game nights and played tennis and slept in until 11 every Saturday morning.  I'd sneak off to coffee shops and write.  Often.  I lit candles around the house because they were soft and lovely and made everything smell vanilla-fine.  We attended Angels' games and cheered for Darin Erstad.  I read books and traveled.  I played volleyball every Thursday night because I loved it.  I'd explore new cities and cultures and try strange foods and ask waitresses bizarre questions.  I once faked a southern accent for an entire day just for fun. I dressed a little funky and took care of myself with exercise, diet, and discipline.  I dreamed of the life that was to come, a life with a husband and with children, but also a life of adventure, passion, and purpose.

I am still me. She's in there, tucked behind the layers of responsibility, roles, obligations, and privileges.  I make sure to remind myself, like this moment, that I am more than the sum of my family. 

What about you?  Am I the only one who struggles with this?  Why do you think (some) women lose themselves once they become mothers and wives?  How do you fight to stay connected to your inner self, apart from your role as mother or wife or colleague or professional?