The Bloody Intersection of Honesty and Kindness

We are living in a time and culture when honesty is King.

Unfortunately we often bulldoze each other under the guise of honesty.   


We're encouraged to:
keep it real ...
just say it ...
cut the BS ...

Some offenders even boast:
"Hey, I'm just being honest ... "

Sometimes we're affirmed for our brutality:
"She's a straight-shooter."
"He's direct."
"He's straight-up."
"She's not messing around."

As though its ok to be honest even if we act like jerks.

Honesty may hurt, yes.  But we can also do our part to make it hurt less.  

(I realize some of us aren't honest enough.  We couch our true feelings under what we think is the right answer, or what we think someone wants to hear, or in our attempts to be 'good' and 'nice' and 'Christian.'  If you're one of those people who is working extra hard right now to be more real, more true to your feelings, more sincere with others, BRAVO.  This post isn't directed at you.)

But too often "honesty" is treated as some trump card worthy to be played at all costs, bearing more value than other important virtues, like love, gentleness, kindness and self-control. 

Is it ok to be 'brutally honest' with someone?  Is brutal honesty the best we can offer?

There is wisdom in he who holds his tongue.  There is humility and respect for those who show self-control and restraint when saying the hard things.  There is maturity in not always having to have the last word.  There is beauty in those who turn the other cheek and extend grace.

Many times we forget the two key words in Ephesians 4:15: speak the truth in love ... only that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs {not your needs}.

What if we all went around 'being honest' and telling each other our 'real' thoughts?

Your sermon was not good.  
The song you sang sounded bad.
Yes, those pants are not flattering.
I'm glad it failed.  
I can't stand the cover of your book.

Can you even imagine!?

Particularly in the days of social media, Facebook, blogging, and online publications, it seems people are willing to be 'more honest' behind the shields of their MacBooks and anonymous user profiles.  Comments, criticisms, and insults are rattled off without the time, caution, and compassion we might otherwise have if we were sitting across the table from one another and breaking bread together.  

In confession, I'll share a situation recently where I said something "honest" in a way I shouldn't have.  I had emailed a friend about a particular matter, and he misread my email and responded back curtly and passive aggressively.  So I picked up the phone and confronted.  No prayer first.  No heart check.  No critical thinking.  Only reaction.  In my anger I didn't have self-control, gentleness, kindness, or love.  After we sorted it through, (he was most gracious with me), I felt convicted for my wrongdoing, and I apologized.  Even though I was honest, even though I took my complaint to the source of my frustration, how I said what I said hindered my words.  And I hurt a friend in the process.

Here are a few things we can ask ourselves before we confront, challenge, or 'get honest' with someone:

What is the posture of my heart?  WHY do I want to say what I want to say?  What are my motivations?  Am I completely humble, forgiving, not self-seeking, not rude, not proud, not defensive, not angry?

Is my heart about the good of my neighbor?  Are my words going to be constructive and edifying to this person's greater good?  Am I thinking of his needs more than my own?

Have I thought long and carefully about how and what I want to say to be sure I say it in a way that is God-honoring, gentle, kind, and spoken in love?

Can you recall a time when someone said something to you 'just being honest' that hurt?  Have you ever regretted saying something 'in honesty'?  What would you do differently?